


MAN ANNOYS HIS FLATMATE AND SORT OF SIGNIFICANT OTHER BY CONSTANTLY PARROTING CLICKBAIT HEADLINES. YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

by breathtaken



Series: Ficbait [1]
Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Office, M/M, Multi, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2015-11-24
Packaged: 2018-05-03 06:22:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5280086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breathtaken/pseuds/breathtaken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Aramis, 08:53] <i>6 UNBELIEVABLE WAYS BUS COMPANIES ARE CONSPIRING TO MAKE YOU LATE TO WORK EVERY MORNING</i></p><p>[Athos, 08:56] <i>Stop</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	MAN ANNOYS HIS FLATMATE AND SORT OF SIGNIFICANT OTHER BY CONSTANTLY PARROTING CLICKBAIT HEADLINES. YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cherryfeather](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryfeather/gifts).



> Thank you to [this Tumblr post](http://crabsandlobsters.tumblr.com/post/133871974288/dduane-actualmenacebuckybarnes) for the inspiration.

[Aramis, 08:53]  _6 UNBELIEVABLE WAYS BUS COMPANIES ARE CONSPIRING TO MAKE YOU LATE TO WORK EVERY MORNING_

[Athos, 08:56] _Stop_

 

* * *

 

Athos makes it to the office just in time to be at least acceptably late to his morning teleconference, which he’s forced to suffer through an hour and a half of before he can get up and get a coffee. He gets at least six messages from Aramis on WhatsApp that morning, but he doesn’t realise until lunchtime because _he_ at least has the courtesy to put his phone on silent, unlike his fucking delightful new co-worker who for some reason thinks that vibrate on an office desk is _less_ irritating than just having it beep.

He takes to sighing, just a little, every time for the first few vibrations, before giving up and walking around the cubicle.

_Slight slouch. Hands in pockets. Don’t say hi, nobody says hi any more._

“Hey. How’s it all going?”

The man – Porthos, Athos remembers – looks up with the sort of vague, semi-conscious smile one sees on people of a naturally sunny disposition before they’ve caught up with the realities of the situation. “Yeah! Good, thanks. I think I’ve just about got my email figured out.” _Joking… probably._ “What do you all do for lunch around here?”

“I’ve got a lunchtime meeting – ” Athos makes an abortive gesture towards his desk – “but people normally head downstairs in about fifteen minutes. If you need anything though, just let me know.”

“Yeah, ‘course. Thanks.”

Porthos smiles even wider. _He has dimples,_ Athos notices, and then is immediately annoyed with himself.

_Right. Ask him. Make it sound like an afterthought._

“Oh, and – would you mind putting your mobile on silent?”

“Oh! No, sure.”

“Thanks,” Athos murmurs, and beats a hasty retreat back behind the safety of his cubicle walls.

 

* * *

 

[Athos, 12:16] _How working in an open-plan office can ruin your life – the_ _shocking_ _secrets employers don’t want you to know_

[From: Aramis] [ **Delete All** ]

[Aramis, 14:32] _5 totally unsurprising_ _ways working from home writing shitty clickbait headlines can suck the life out of you far more effectively than that_

[Athos, 14:45] _Too long. KISS_

[Aramis, 14:47] _The shocking messages that PROVE your flatmate is LITERALLY from the past_

[Athos, 15:02] _13 reasons_ _you should not_ _get smart with the man who’s cooking you dinner tonight_

[Aramis, 15:10] _Which Office Stereotype are you?_

[Athos, 15:16] _Fuck off_

[Athos, 15:18] _What is it today?_

[Aramis, 15:21] _21 reasons to visit Seattle_

[Athos, 15:38] _You’ve never been to Seattle_

[Aramis, 15:44] _Exactly_

[Aramis, 16:10] _< image>_

[Athos, 16:24] _ARAMIS I AM AT WORK_

[Aramis, 16:25] _10 scientifically proven ways to spice up your sex life_

[Athos, 16:27] _1\. CITATION NEEDED_

[Athos, 16:27] _2\. The top 5 signs you need to get yourself a new flatmate_

[Aramis, 16:29] _Pick up some wine on the way home?_

[Athos, 16: 34] _I drink to forget_

 

* * *

 

It takes Athos three more days to realise that his annoying new colleague is… actually not that annoying.

Well, he _is_ quite annoying, but mostly in ways that aren’t his fault – which manages to be annoying in itself, moral ambiguity never having been one of Athos’ strong suits. He is at least _sharp_ , though unfortunately there’s no cure for their team members throwing endless tasks at him that require the use of systems Porthos has never heard of, can’t find on the intranet and doesn’t have access to anyway, apart from senior management deciding to invest measurable resources into structuring a vaguely relevant onboarding plan instead of just offloading the work onto their already overstretched employees.

 

* * *

 

[Athos, 11:03] _10 insane realities of life at large multinationals_

[Aramis, 11:12] _THIS VIDEO WILL PROVE YOU’VE BEEN BUYING ONIONS WRONG YOUR WHOLE LIFE_

[Athos, 11:19] _...seriously?_

[Aramis, 11:21] _No_

[Athos, 11:24] _Stop messaging me at work_

 

* * *

 

The problem is, he isn’t at all annoying when they grab a coffee together in between IT helpdesk requests, or when they end up sitting next to each other at lunch and spend half an hour talking about _philosophy_ , of all things. He’s especially not annoying when he laughs at Athos’ sarcastic running commentary every time someone asks Porthos a particularly stupid question, or when the corners of his eyes crinkle when he grins.

Two things are clear: Athos is going to work very hard at decoupling the last carriage of that train of thought, and forgetting it ever happened; and Aramis must never, ever know.

 

* * *

 

[Aramis, 10:54] _WHAT YOUR FLATMATE DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT HIS_ _NEW COLLEAGUE_

[Athos, 11:32] _??_

[Aramis, 11:37] _10 signs your flatmate is hiding a crush_

[Aramis, 11:37] _5 reasons you SHOULD have an office romance_

[Aramis, 11:37] _The incredible truth about fraternising in the workplace – REVEALED_

[Aramis, 11:50] _Athos_

[Aramis, 12:34] _Sorry :(_

[Athos, 12:45] ... _h_ _ow do you always know?_

[Aramis, 12:51] _It’s a gift_

[Aramis, 12:52] _Can you introduce us?_

 

* * *

 

If Athos had any sense, he would have said no to Aramis. But.

If Athos were capable of saying no to Aramis, a lot of things would have been different.

So he quite casually invites Porthos along to the Friday night drinks he himself only attends a handful of times per year as if he were a regular, unable to help the flush of warmth he feels when Porthos grins back – eyes crinkling – and says yeah, he’d love to.

Athos can tell the difference now between Porthos’ smiles and his _real_ smiles.

He also stands there grinning inanely back for a few seconds longer than he should have, and then has to resist the urge to beat his head against his own desk.

 

* * *

 

[Athos, 17:23] _10 signs you should never attempt social interaction ever_

[Aramis, 17:24] _Just how much the_ p _eople who love you are sure you did just fine_ _will blow your mind_

[Athos, 17:26] _Not catchy enough_

[Athos, 17:35] _(Likewise)_

 

* * *

Dress-down Friday for Porthos apparently means a claret-coloured sweater that appears to cling to every ridiculously toned muscle of his upper torso, and causes Athos to forget how to use his mouth for a second or two.

“Hi,” he eventually manages, and then mentally kicks himself because _nobody says hi any more, how old are you?_

The gruelling social ritual of saying a basic good morning to your colleagues undergone – for another day at least – he sits down behind his computer, and realises within an hour that he’s not going to achieve anything of real value at any point today.

 

* * *

 

[Athos, 09:49] _He’s probably not even looking is he. Most people have partners by our age_

[Aramis, 09:52] _Has he mentioned anyone_

[Athos, 09:54] _No_

[Aramis, 09:59] _Well then_

[Athos, 10:02] _What if I go down in history as the weird colleague who asked him out in the first two weeks_

[Aramis, 10:04] _What if_ _asking someone out is not actually that weird of a thing to do_

[Aramis, 10:05] _What if you don’t know until you try, so stop worrying_

[Athos, 10:08] _What if that’s really not how it works_

[Aramis, 10:10] _I know darling_

[Aramis, 10:11] _Breathe <3_

[Athos, 10:15] _How do I explain us?_

[Athos, 10:20] _Sorry_

[Aramis, 10:21] _Sorry I had to retrieve the cat from the spider plant_

[Aramis, 10:21] _Good point. I’ll do that bit, you just look pretty_

[Aramis, 10:22] _Where is it tonight_

[Athos, 10:25] _Five thirty, The Cock and Balls_

[Aramis, 10:26] _No it isn’t_

[Aramis, 10:26] _That’s not a pub_

[Athos, 10:31] _I wanted you to ask for directions_

[Aramis, 10:32] _5_ _00_ _reasons_ _my flatmate is a terrible human being_

[Athos, 10:34] _501 reasons you love him anyway_

[Aramis, 10:48] _Well I did until your fucking cat started pissing on the DVD player_

 

* * *

 

Athos has never been so glad to get a pint in hand as when he sits down opposite Porthos at the awkward two-seater table next to the booth the remainder of their colleagues are occupying, and toasts to his first fortnight before drinking as much of it in one go as he thinks he can without looking desperate.

Within half an hour he quickly revises that, and decides he’s never been so glad to have a pint in hand as when Aramis comes waltzing in and kisses Athos on the cheek before pulling up his own chair, enthusiastically introducing himself to Porthos and disappearing off to the bar, all within the space of fifteen seconds, because it means he has somewhere to put his face while he runs the entire gauntlet of doubt, embarrassment, awkwardness and acute awareness of exactly what social signals Aramis is sending, emerging a few seconds later to see how exactly Porthos has taken it.

He looks… somewhere between amused and impressed, Athos decides, which is confusing but not _bad,_ exactly.

Mindful of Aramis’ promise to explain everything for him, he waves vaguely in the direction of the bar and says, “Aramis’ special talent is getting served impossibly quickly. His record is thirty-six seconds.”

Porthos’ eyebrows raise. “Is that right.”

“So you were saying about your last job?”

Porthos is in the middle of explaining what it’s like to be a sous chef – a line of work that seems to Athos completely incompatible with a middle-of-the-road office job – when Aramis comes back, sets his drink down on the table and says without preamble, “Two minutes twenty.”

Athos makes a point of looking back over at the bar, “No queue. You’re getting sloppy.”

“She’s a new hire,” Aramis counters. “Sorry, I interrupted. Do go on.”

It’s scary, how quickly Porthos and Aramis bond – scary enough that Athos is worrying about becoming a spare wheel to the two of them for several minutes before Aramis gives his knee that particular squeeze under the table that says, _stop it, you’re doing fine_.

It’s great, really, if he wants to hold out a hope in hell of – well, anything, really. Anything even remotely functional, that doesn’t fall apart in the face of jealousy (his, Aramis’) or social embarrassment (his) or whatever baggage Porthos might have up his gloriously fitted sleeves.

He’s sort of slightly counting down until Aramis drops a bombshell worthy of any self-respecting clickbait headline, but to his surprise Porthos is the first one – a full hour later – to clear his throat and say, “Can I ask a personal question? Are you two – together?”

Aramis looks at Athos, and raises his eyebrows; Athos gives the barest tilt of the head in reply.

“It’s complicated,” Aramis replies for them both, “Though perhaps we could tell you about it over dinner?”

 

* * *

 

[Aramis, 10:34] _21 PHOTOS YOU’LL BE INDIFFERENT TO IF YOU DON’T LOVE BABY RACCOONS_

[Athos, 10:45] _No – way too complicated. You’ll just confuse them_

[Porthos, 10:54] _I’m sorry?_

[Athos, 10:56] _Aramis writes clickbait articles for internet “news” services, and I use the term loosely_

[Athos, 10:56] _I’m afraid there will be a lot of this_

[Aramis, 10:58] _The cute animal ones are the hardest ones. It’s all been done._ _Any ideas_

[Athos, 11:00] _Oh I forgot this was my… wait. No,_ _that’s right. It’s YOUR job._

[Porthos, 11:07] _21 REASONS BABY RACCOONS ARE THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT_

[Porthos, 11:10] _Give each picture a caption about how their cuteness will destroy the fabric of the universe_

[Aramis, 11:12] _I like you_

[Aramis, 11:12] _You can stay_

[Aramis, 11:13] _Athos can sleep in the cat basket_

[Athos, 11:17] _Fuck off_

[Aramis, 11:18] _Love you too sweetie <3_

[From: Aramis, Porthos] [ **Save** ]

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic]Clickbait](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5524889) by [readbyjela (jelazakazone)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jelazakazone/pseuds/readbyjela)




End file.
